October 28 & 29, 2010 - Delivery & Surgery Day

A scheduled c-section is so weird to be honest with you. You feel odd walking into a hospital getting all done up for surgery to have a baby. Just seems so un-natural to me. I told Chad that I still don't feel like I birthed my child, you know, that I actually gave birth to Teak. No, I don't have issues with it but feel that it is odd that my doctor cut me open and pulled my child out of me. Just stop and think about it. It is weird. Enough about that...

So we get ready for the c-section and I go into the operating room. The anesthesiologist gives me a spinal for the surgery. I lay down and start to not feel my legs, etc. Then I start to not feel my middle then I get tingly in my hands and my throat...at this point, I start to realize this is not okay and mention to the doctor that I am about to pass out. She explains to me that it meant that my spinal was really good and was moving up my body. She did something to stop it and it felt a lot better after that. This was the worst part of having a c-section for me.

Delivery went well besides the spinal scare. They pull and tug and here comes Teak. Redheaded and 8 lbs 8 oz, 20.5 inches long. The St. David's NICU doctors and nurses take him and start to wipe him down. They check out his back but still seem rough with him. Ugh.

I finally get to see my little boy and give him a kiss. I can't believe he is actually here. This is really happening. The day we had been waiting for months.

Anyone who has ever had a baby that needs special care as soon as they are born knows what it it like to have their baby taken from them as soon as they were born. The issue here was that he was going to be transported from St. Davids to Dell Children's within 24 hours to undergo major back surgery. We were prepared for this. You honestly have to mentally be prepared that your child will not be with you. You have to morn the fact that this was NOT your birth plan and you will not have the same old stories like your friends/family. But then you realize that is okay. Why would you want your story to be like theirs anyway? Ours is different and different is good. Honestly, you just let your self get mad, sad but you stay strong in the midst of it.

Chad runs off with the baby. All of our family is waiting to hear about Teak and if he is as healthy as he could be, etc. Of course family drama is going on in the lobby but that seems to be normal in our lives these days. Baby brings out the worst and best in people. :)

Chad grabs his mother to see Teak in the NICU, then takes my mother, then my father and then his father. Except me, Teak's mother, the one who nurtured him in her body for 9 months and just underwent major surgery for him. So I am in recovery and finally get wheeled back to my room. All family members are there and we gather in my room. Talking, etc. I tell them about my experience with the spinal. Fun times. They told Chad that Dell was already sending a transport for Teak today. Wow, so fast. I thought they might keep him at St. David's another day but no biggy. The faster they get his repair surgery done the better in my mind. They did promise to bring him by the room before he was rushed off. Fancy guy, already going on his first car ride before he is even a few hours old.

They finally bring him by around 1:30pm. Yes, I started worrying because they originally stated noon. He is in the see through incubator. This plump baby in the incubator. For some reason, they placed his IV in his head! What the heck, can't imagine that feels good. I get to reach my hand in and rub his arm but that is about it. I of course tear up, it is so sad to see him in there all by himself. Ugh, I knew this day would come and they would have to transport him to another away from me and I knew it would be hard. I was prepared for it but you can prepare for things but it doesn't mean that it isn't going to be hard or hurt. Just like a marathon that you train for, you prepare not just physically but mentally but while you are running those long distances it is still hard on your mind and body.

Chad and his mother follow the transport to Dell while I stay at St. Davids. I have great nurses at St. Davids that really take care of me. They wonder where my baby is and I explain that he has Spina Bifida, etc. They are sympathetic and understand that I am ready to go and see no reason for me to be there any longer than I need to. My doctor had originally stated 2 to 4 days but I kept telling her that 2 days was as long as I needed to be in the hospital because I was needed somewhere else.

So Teak had surgery before he was even 24 hours old. I wanted to know everything. I didn't want to be left out of anything. This was my son who I have spent 9 months with and didn't want anyone else except my husband to know everything going on with the surgery and the NICU, etc. This presented some problems because my mother in law was in the midst of things to be supportive. It was hard for me though because she had such a hard time when Teak was diagnosed with SB months before. She was very helpful and ended up taking over the night shift at the NICU so that Teak was hardly ever alone.

We had met the neurosurgeon a couple times before so that we became comfortable with him and the surgery. We had also spoken to a few other SB families about him and they were always so complimentary. He seemed to be a legend. Dr. Timothy George. He was very personable yet very intelligent which you don't always find as a mix in a good doctor. We knew he was the right man to repair our son's back. I asked Chad to call me when he was talking to Dr. George before the surgery so that I could hear what was said, etc. Instead, Dr. George got on the phone and explained things to him. I asked a couple questions as well. He is very mater of fact but nice about it. We like him...

Sitting in my hospital room by myself that morning was surprisingly peaceful. Again, so many emotions are running rampant through your mind, body and soul during these times. It is so indescribable. I can only imagine that parents who have gone through something similar can relate. Prayer is the only thing that can help you through it, honestly. Pray for your husband to continue being strong and patient and loving through it all. Pray for the doctor who is cutting open your baby boy and handling precious parts of his insides that most people don't even think about or realize they have and use everyday. Parts that are necessary to walk and pee. Things that we do everyday and take for granted.

So from there, Chad waiting in the waiting room downstairs at Dell until the surgery was over. He said that Dr. George told him that it went really well. The spinal cord was still intact and there wasn't a lot of tethering of the cord as well. He also stated that there wasn't a lot of nerve damage. This all sounded so wonderful. He got to go see Teak who was now going to be placed in his own NICU room. Now it was just recovery and waiting to see what happens and how he develops.

June 14th 2010

You know those historical days where you can remember exactly where you were and what you were doing when you found something out? In my generation, it would be when Princess Diana died or when the towers were hit on 9/11. Well, a different scenario, how about never forgetting a certain date because of something so completely life changing and eventful that if someone ever mentions that date or a date around that date that your mind immediately sways toward the "big event." Alright, alright, you get my point.
Almost 20 weeks along and on the edge of our seats waiting to go in to our first ultrasound to find out the sex of our baby. Yes, this was the main reason we felt it was worth the $200 that we had to pay out of pocket (we had no insurance). Why else would be need a sonogram when our baby was completely healthy, right? I hadn't been doing anything to harm the baby in any way shape or form. My mother had decided she wanted to be a part of this big day. She didn't get to see my sister's two girls up on the big black and white screen. So here we go - getting to check out this creature growing inside of me...kicking around.

So, measuring here and there, it takes forever.
As I mentioned above, my sister has two girls, I just assumed that we were going to have a girl. I could just picture all these little girls running around my mother's house at Christmas time. I was wrong, plain and simple...a nice set of balls showed up on the screen. Can't be mistaken for anything else. After a couple minutes, the X-Ray tech, seemed really quiet and made a comment that our baby was a big squirmer. He was such a squirmer in there that she couldn't get a good picture of his lower back. She left the room with an odd feeling roaming over all of us.
Then the sonogram doctor came in to the room. He took a look himself at the sonograms not saying much then sat down and said "Your baby has Spina Bifida." WHAT?!? I am sorry, say again, our baby has Spina Bifida? Stating it so plain and simple as though he just told us that dinner was ready, just so matter of fact. How could this happen, what did we do wrong, what did I do wrong? How come our son isn't completely healthy?

My mother knows what Spina Bifida is but Chad and I really don't know and need Dr. Darby to explain it to us. He mentions there are 3 different kinds. One kind, Spina Bifida Occulta where most of the time is undetectable until later in life when an adult starts to have back pain. Then there is Spina Bifida Meningoceles where the the nerves (meninges) are outside of the body in a sac. Then the most severe Myelomeningocele where the spinal cord and nerves are outside of the body in a sac.

Our precious unborn baby boy has Myelomeningocele. The most severe. His spinal cord and nerves are outside of his body in a sac. The most severe kind, however, it is very low on his back. He explains that our son my not be able to walk. There are other things that can develop with Spina Bifida including Hydrocephelus, which is fluid on the brain and they have to have a shunt to drain the fluid out. They can also develop club feet. They have Arnold Chiari Malformation. Our doctor explains that our son so far did not have any other issues that can develop but they can develop over time while he is in the womb and after he is born. There was nothing we could do about it. Nothing.

Nothing could be done to fix our child. How in the world in this modern day could there not be something that could "fix" our child. He would have to have repair surgery as soon as he was born. The doctor mentions that there was a study going on where you could have the repair surgery while he was in the womb but you have to be picked for the surgery even if you participate in the study. (We looked into the MOMS study, even spoke to the representative about it but decided not to participate. However, I do want to say that we support the study because how else would we find out if the in utero surgery is beneficial or not.)

Never knew so many thoughts could run through ones mind. To go from nothing is wrong to something is wrong in a second. What had I done to my child? Was it my fault? He mentioned taking prenatal vitamins, I had started as soon as I knew I was pregnant. He mentioned something about genetics. Neither Chad or I knew of anyone on either side having SB. Then he mentioned they really don't know why it happens and research continues. Well of course they don't because I didn't know why it happened to us. I mean all of our friends and family had healthy children why would we not have a healthy child? Chad and I were both healthy people. Heck, we both hardly ever get sick.

The emotional roller coaster that you are immediately thrown on makes you dizzy. You feel as though you are floating not walking. Nothing seems to matter anymore. Who are these people around you, what does this world mean anymore? Why me, why us? The thoughts are uncontrollable. The tears are starting to come but I hold them back. We now have to go see my OB/GYN, we are late to our appointment but they already know why. We walk into the waiting room and just look at the receptionist and she tells us to come on through because they already know, they already know that our son has Spina Bifida and we see it in their eyes. Sorrow, sadness, angst. Our busy doctor is waiting for us to get there so we can sit down and discuss something that is UN-discussable at this very moment. She basically tells us that our son will most likely not walk. I don't blame her but wow, take that in. It feels like a slap in the face, not by her but by the world, life, even God.

My friends were just texting me and calling me trying to hear from me about the sex of the baby because that was supposed to be a fun moment of our pregnancy. It didn't matter anymore, my baby had Spina Bifida. I didn't even know what it meant. My world has just turned upside down and side ways and inside out. Our lives and dreams have come to an immediate halt. Stop contacting me, I can't even gather my thoughts.

I call my best friend Kristen and somehow utter the words that will one day become an everyday thing. Words that will one day come out without tears but with a smile. Words that will one day mean so much more than I could ever imagine. Words that will be so familiar. My son has Spina Bifida. Will these words define or just describe my son one day?

I want to end this post with the ultimate comment from the doctor. Since Spina Bifida can be very severe, "you have the option to terminate." Chad and I look at each other and both shake our heads no. Some say you made a choice but we didn't make a choice. There was no choice to make. The Lord has given us this child and it is only going to make us stronger. With all the emotions, mental thoughts that we are both going through at this very moment, we still knew that no matter what, Spina Bifida or not, this was our son, and OUR SON ONLY, and we couldn't wait to meet him.